The Funniest Resumes Ever

This morning I happened upon a blog called JobMob which has a couple of posts about funny resumes. I started reading and within about 15 minutes I was doubled over with laughter. I cut and pasted a few of the ones that I thought were the funniest (I divided them by category) but you should go over to JobMob and check them out. If you are a job seeker please review your resume and make sure that you don't include anything you see in this post in your resume. If you have any funny resume stories please email them to me and if I get enough I will create another post with the ones you send. Enjoy!

Hobbies/Activities:
“Getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”

“Drugs and girls”.

"Sitting on the levee at night watching alligators".

“Gossiping.”

“Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”

Why Interested in Position:
“To keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”

Miscellaneous:
“I am great with the pubic.”

A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com

One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude.

One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn’t like dealing with blood or needles.

Candidate included family medical history.

"It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”

Achievements:
“Nominated for prom queen”

One resume that came across my desk stated that the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.

Arrests:
Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”

Personal interests:
Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Marital status:
Often. Children: various.”

Reason for leaving last job:
“I thought the world was coming to an end.”

“Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.”

Salary desired:
“Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”

Bad traits:
“I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”

References:
“Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”

Objective:
“My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.”

To obtain a position within an organization in which both my fashion and administrative experience can be of great detriment.”

Personal:
“My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando’s proximity to Disney World.”